Letters, We get letters

Dear Mr. Curse,
What does the S stand for?
I'm Curious.
—Jim, in Omaha

Dear Jim,
Oh I get it. The S in my name—Adam S Curse, right?
That's really funny, Jim.
(Stands for Shutthefuckup, is what it stands for)

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(Editor's note: I don't mind if you write Pumpkin Boy—though, if you do, address the letters to his email account, PumpkinBoy2011@hotmail.com )—just, please, do not indulge his grandiosity. He's hard enough to deal with as it is, and if he pops off at Paula Jane again, God knows what she'll do)

Dear Pumpkin Boy,
I really like your clothes. Your orange shirt is so very orange, and your striped pants—purple and green—are mesmerizing. Who is your tailor?
—A fan

Dear Fan,
Well, everything I wear comes from Savile Row, except for my shoes, which are Italian-made—What the fuck? I know you're putting me on. I may have an enormous pumpkin head, but I'm not stupid—I came with these clothes, assclown. These people, especially the woman, treat me like some kind of freak—you wanta bust somebody's balls about the way I dress, bust their's, buddy.

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Dear Adam's Curse,
Okay so now, you're Mr. Curse or some shit, and I happen to know that you are also known as Bobby, Nick, and Leadbone...Are you wanted by the police?
—Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen,
What kinda shit?—no, I'm not wanted by no motherfuckin police.
Just possessed of a shy and retiring nature, that's all. Gotta wear sunscreen all the time, just to protect my feelings and shit.
Now get the fuck outta here, 'fore I wear out a kneecap kickin you in the ass or something—
(Let somebody ask a real question)

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Dear Mr. Curse,
Why do people have eyebrows?
—Wondering, in Little Rock

Dear Wondering,
According to CoolQuiz.Com, "just like an umbrella keeps our bodies dry from the rain, our hairy eyebrows keep our eyes dry from rain or sweat. When it's pouring rain outside or when sweat drips down from our foreheads, our eyebrows divert the flow of water or sweat away from our eyes." Additionally, "eyebrows have other roles also. As one of our most expressive facial features, eyebrows help us determine how people are feeling without ever really asking them."

Of course, you could've googled this your own self—oh. Yes. Little Rock. That's in Arkansas, right? I'll tell you what Coach told Worley, cause I'm sure it applies to you, too: Eyebrows? You've got one eyebrow, Worley. And it's one ugly muther.

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Dear Pumpkin Boy,
Is Pumpkinness a nationality? An ethnic group? A kind of vegetable?Do you have a soul? If yes, does this mean radishes have souls? Acorn Squash? Turnips?
—Truthseeker, in San Diego

Dear Truthseeker,
I am a Gourd. And a Squash. And a Presbytarian.
Some try to persecute me because of my diversity. Some—who live in my own home—even try and deny my ability to reason.
It's true that I once practiced withcraft, and once danced with Hare Krishnas. I have used mind-altering drugs, and have even flirted with scientology.
At the end of the day, what does it all mean?
I'm you, that's what. I am you.

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Dear Adam's Curse,
Do you know the phrase "softly, softly, catchie monkey"?
—Gareth, in the UK

Dear Gareth,
I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

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Dear Pumpkin Boy,
How long will you remain Pumpkin Boy? Will you ever become Pumpkin Man?
—Trying to figure you out, in Detroit

(Dear Trying—Pumpkin Boy is, unfortunately, unable to verbalize. His face has darkened, from panic and confusion, and pink foam is oozing from his ears, This is probably a subject we should avoid, in the future.—Editor)

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That's all for now...Perhaps we'll have some more intelligent questions, for next time—please, do not be intimidated by my suavite (that's pronounced swahv-it-ay, in case you're from Arkansas or Oklahoma)—I put my pants on one leg at a time, ever since that incident with the rug, the waxed floor, and the curling iron. I am approachable. And humble. And like Pumpkin Boy, I am You. And He is Me. And We are Us. And we are all, um, together. Write Adam's Curse at pmnh.nick@gmail.com, and Pumpkin Boy at PumpkinBoy2011@hotmail.com.