Ron Johnson Explains

Wisconsin Republican Senatorial candidate Ron Johnson, who violated an underage Stacy Hamilton in a baseball dugout in 1981, obtained his job with Stereo World in 1979, a few months after the company received a $75,000 grant from the federal government, in essence subsidizing his employment.

Johnson, known as the Car-Stereo King, ultimately bought the company in later years. He is on record as being staunchly against any kind of federal assistance, and is scrambling to explain his seeming hypocrisy.

When reached for comment earlier tonight, the splenetic speaker sales maven claimed the grant was merely "funny money", originating from the Carter White House's post-"Let's Party" malaise, and didn't really count. "Hamilton Jordan spent more than that on cocaine in 1979," the child-rapist claimed, noting that Stereo World's refusal to spend the entire $75,000 on illegal drugs is the real story. "It woulda been so easy."

Correction

Paula Jane reminded me that the impregnator of Stacy Hamilton was, in fact, Mike Damone (AKA, "Little Prick"), not in fact car stereo magnate and senatorial candidate Ron Johnson.

Johnson merely statutorily raped her.

My apologies.

Gotta love those repubs!

Stereo-King Ron Johnson, who impregnated under-age Stacy Hamilton in a baseball dugout in 1981, claims that global warming is an "unproven" science that shouldn't be used to dictate U.S. policies. "The point is, because we're not certain, because it's not proven, the last thing we should do is penalize our economy."

Johnson, Wisconsin's Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, further said that even if scientists are right, he "isn't sure...we could do anything about it, anyway." Global warming is like rape in that way, the irrascible businessman told the Associated Press. "When it's inevitable, it's best to just lie back and enjoy it. Anyone have any suntan lotion?"

The aging car stereo-maven went on to say that he saw the future of the USA as an opportunity for all Americans to achieve streak-free radiance, while enjoying the benefits of low taxes. "No spray-on tans for our children," he vowed.