Saturday, February 12, 2011

Kim Kardashian's Butt Explodes

How in the world did y'all keep up with the really important stuff, without me?

Course, y'all are the ones who explained to me what a Kardashian was. Now, it has erupted, like an angry, hell-bent Mt. Vesuvius, swollen beyond redemption with molten silicon.

It was bound to happen.

From my favorite news source (now that the Huffington Post is teetering to the dark side), The World Weekly News:

LAS VEGAS - Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas. Her left butt cheek exploded.
Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence. When implants fly above this altitude they have been known to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian. As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt. She was sitting next to the new man in her life, Miles Austin, the 25-year-old Dallas wide receiver (whose been doing just that with Kim).

The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag. Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport. Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. Her sisters, Khloe and Kourtney and mother, Kris, all rushed to the hospital to be with Kim. Luckily they were all nearby at their new boutique at the Mirage, Kardashian Khaos.

There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant. “We’ve had a few cases like this before. It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.” Austin was the first one to slap Kim’s new left cheek. “It felt good.” He said.

Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery. Austin, on the other hand, feels that this tragic accident was not due to Implant Altitude Syndrome (IAS), but instead was something more nefarious. “Reggie Bush is behind this.” Austin said. “He wants to get back at Kim for dumping him, but it’s not gonna work. She’s mine now. All of her. Both cheeks.” When WWN asked Austin how he thinks Bush planted the butt IED, Austin said, “Reggie’s always been a sneaking guy. Remember the Bush Push? Well, somehow he snuck into the hotel we were staying at in New Jersey, knocked us out with rufies or something and then injected some explosive serum into her left butt cheek. They he paid off the pilots and had them fly too high. The man is sick jealous!”

When Bush was asked about Austin’s accusations he said, “What? He better watch his mouth. I’ll blow his ass up next!”

Doctors advise all women with butt implants to speak with their plastic surgeon before boarding another plane. “You don’t want to be in that mile-high club,” Dr. John Malley said.

That Reggie Bush is one crazy motherfucker.

1 comment:

  1. I heard that Kim will have to have major buttocks reconstructive surgery...The Skin on Kim's buttocks was blown to pieces after her ass implant exploded. Poor thing, I hope everything works out for her...Best Wishes!